Never Used

I've never used the passion & gifting God gave me for anything other than my enjoyment... for the complete & utter pleasure of writing myself clear & whole. I've never written anything in the hopes that someone else would be blessed, touched or inspired by it.

I simply love to write. I connect with something sacred when the words begin to flow. I love the flow.

Not being able to write would be like cutting me off from myself. The pieces of myself don't fit together coherently when I don't write, things in this world stop making sense when I don't write... I stop making sense (to myself) when I don't write.

Though beloved, writing is a solitary exercise that pulls me into myself and away from the vital connections that sustain me and keep me sane. I begin to "turn" on myself when I spend too much time writing. My writer me is my most fundamental me... she's been neglected long enough. It's time I started learning how to live with her. It's time to shake her free of the negative thought patterns she drags around with her (sure, they help her write - but they depress the hell out of me).

I've never used what God has given me to tell a story of something beautiful and good. If I should die never having used the passion & gifts God gave me to write, that would be an utterly deplorable & shameful WASTE.

I will not waste this life.

Enough Belly

I signed up to take a belly dancing class. Even from the neck up, you can tell from my pic I ain't small. I have enough belly foryou, me and a couple of other folks. Even my neighbor friend, who missed her life calling as cheerleader, motivator life coach, got a strange look on her face when I told her I was finally going to do it. I registered & my class starts in January. Like next week.

I've been watching this amazing dancer named Sadie on YouTube to prepare. Now, at 37, having had 2 children, wtih gray hair, stretch marks & all, I don't look "nuttin like 'er". I don't move like her, smile like her, resemble her in anyway. And I'm beginning to realize my secret fantasy of being a femme fatale on the level of Angelina Jolie may forever remain... a fantasy. But bellydancing is something I've always wanted to try. And I'm going into 2010 with goals, renewed energy and a determination to do things that interest me. (sidenote: thankfully, I actually have interests again. I finally shook off the moderate depression I'd been slowdancing with on & off for 6 months). So I found a hip scarf at Ross. I downloaded 20 great belly dancing songs on itunes. I have a top that's flattering, not too revealing, and cut to flatter my fuller figure. I am "read' t'go".

I don't think it'll be pretty at first. But I've seen pix of some of the women who take these classes. I'm not the first obese babe to take one of these classes... and I won't be the last.

Even fat girls want to shake what our mamas gave us...

I Wish

I wish I didn't care that people are a**holes.
I wish haters didn't get under my skin.
I wish I didn't deliberately turn away from Black American men in public - cutting off any connection before it even starts because I need to cut off even the possibility of rejection.
I wish I didn't give a sh*t when sistas cop an atittude, act ugly or look me up and down (you know how they do)
I wish it didn't bug me so much that people can be so rude.
I wish my smile and silent blessings to people I've never seen, never known, and will never see again were reciprocated.
I wish the world were a kinder place.
I wish it wasn't so easy to write off the people who are different from you.
I wish we would let our guards down enough to see how truly alike we are with one another.
I wish covering 47 million uninsured people didn't translate to taking away benefits enjoyed by others .
I wish people weren't so hell bent on destroying something good because their taxes might go up.
I wish people had a heart for someone outside their own family, community, ethnicity, religion, nationality or belief system.
I wish more people would stop and think about another "there, but for the grace of God, go I..."

Father, we make a mess of things without you. We get so tied up in blaming, hoarding, accusing, angering... We need you Lord, more than ever. Or we're not going to make it.

How are we ever going to make it?

Let Others

Let others say yours was a life well lived,
that you left something beautiful behind.

Inspired by the men and women who died on September 11, 2001 and the recent deaths of 2 HS alumni. At 37, it's a new chapter - where age mates in peer groups (at what should be the peak of their careers, many with children still in elementary school), die.

So much shifting going, so much transitioning. Sheesh, just when I was starting to get a handle on my body's changes...

No One Should Die

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick.

Agreed... 1,000%