I Wish

I wish I didn't care that people are a**holes.
I wish haters didn't get under my skin.
I wish I didn't deliberately turn away from Black American men in public - cutting off any connection before it even starts because I need to cut off even the possibility of rejection.
I wish I didn't give a sh*t when sistas cop an atittude, act ugly or look me up and down (you know how they do)
I wish it didn't bug me so much that people can be so rude.
I wish my smile and silent blessings to people I've never seen, never known, and will never see again were reciprocated.
I wish the world were a kinder place.
I wish it wasn't so easy to write off the people who are different from you.
I wish we would let our guards down enough to see how truly alike we are with one another.
I wish covering 47 million uninsured people didn't translate to taking away benefits enjoyed by others .
I wish people weren't so hell bent on destroying something good because their taxes might go up.
I wish people had a heart for someone outside their own family, community, ethnicity, religion, nationality or belief system.
I wish more people would stop and think about another "there, but for the grace of God, go I..."

Father, we make a mess of things without you. We get so tied up in blaming, hoarding, accusing, angering... We need you Lord, more than ever. Or we're not going to make it.

How are we ever going to make it?

Let Others

Let others say yours was a life well lived,
that you left something beautiful behind.

Inspired by the men and women who died on September 11, 2001 and the recent deaths of 2 HS alumni. At 37, it's a new chapter - where age mates in peer groups (at what should be the peak of their careers, many with children still in elementary school), die.

So much shifting going, so much transitioning. Sheesh, just when I was starting to get a handle on my body's changes...

No One Should Die

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick.

Agreed... 1,000%

Crushed Potential

I was waiting at the train station one evening last year when a 30-something Black man approached me. I was a zombie, staring off into the distance after a long day at work. I barely noticed him until he was directly in front of me.

"I asked damn near 50 people this afternoon for some change and didn't get not $1. I'm homeless. These mothaf*ckas got cars & houses..." - mothaf*ckas alerted me to pay attention - "... they act like it would kill 'em to give me a dollar. I don't know why I'm asking you" - actually he was demanding - "but can you spare something so I can at least get something to eat?"

Based on his hostility, he fully expected to be rejected. I couldn't retreat or escape without humiliating him so I just stood there & looked at him. It felt like there was a bubble around us. My full attention was focused on him. I thought at him, I see you. Seeing him seemed important. Not withdrawing seemed important. So I turned more fully toward him, giving him nonverbal cues of engagement.

In those silent seconds, his story unfolded as if he had downloaded it directly to my brain. It was so damned frustrating. He was trying and nobody was helping. He was so angry that people wouldn't help him. Angry that when they did, they didn't give him what he needed. Angry others wouldn't give him what they wouldn't miss any damn way. Angry that they withdrew when he approached or pretended he wasn't talking to them.

I remember feeling distant alarm, but not fear. I didn't believe he would hurt me. But I was gut-certain that he would hurt someone very badly. And soon.

I gave him $2 and wished him luck. I don't think he thanked me. I boarded my train with the bubble of calm still around me.

That encounter was a deep contrast to the young 20-something brotha who stepped to me at my local strip mall on Saturday.

He called out to me cheerily,"I like your glasses ma'am. Where did you get them?"
I thanked him and told him where.
"Where is that?"
I told him the store.
"And where is that?"
I told him the city.
"How do you get there?" I began to tell him a well known route that would take him there.
"You know what bus go there? 'Cause that's the only way for me to get there. I don't have no car, no job." He was laughing. "I get food stamps and everything."

Crushed potential.

It's the phrase that comes to mind when I see the stereotypical poor, uneducated, probably recently un-incarcerated Black man. The problem is epidemic. The stats are well known. Raised by single moms. Crime. Violence. High school dropouts. Jail. Unemployment. Addiction. Deadbeat dads. Premature death.

What happened to these men's dreams?
Was there no one in their lives to steer them?
Was there chaos in their families of origin that left them vulnerable to negative influences?
Was there a generational curse?
What are their purposes in life now?
What's going to happen to their sons and daughters?
Who is going to stop this cycle?

I don't have the answers to these questions. Does anyone?

Do you?

Being 37 Means

• I trust my gut.
• I don't "should" on myself anymore.
• I can feel drawn to man without sexualizing the connection.
• Lots of stuff is really starting to sag.
• I drop what drains me... without apology.
• My world view is wider, wiser, saner.
• I can see the bad thought habits that helped me cope as a child but now hold me back.
• Hair is sprouting where it shouldn't and turning gray in surprising places.
• For every wrong turn there are lessons learned.
• I recognize the start of a "kick me when I'm down" thought cycle and I can actually say to myself "shut up ego"... and the negative spiral will stop (sometimes even in mid-sentence).
• I laugh at myself at times because I get sick n tired of my own damn bullsh*t.
• I understand my cycle of creativity & energy.
• I listen better to the wisdom of my body.
  
• Patterns repeat in our lives until we pass the test.
  
• Knowing what I suck at (and no longer needing to forgive myself for it).
• Having faith that when a thing is meant to be, a "missed opportunity" will present itself again.
  
• The time for my next incarnation to begin is now.