Dead Things Rising

*

I was born with a longing inside of me. I wanted that kiss - that sense of merging 

body and soul with another being, whether mate or friend or God. I wanted it, 

but I was too ashamed to want it with my whole life. I followed it 

haphazardly and halfheartedly,and I felt foolish doing so. 

(Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open)

*

Somehow, mysteriously, just when I begin to believe she has come to a sort of peace, she awakes, still longing, still reaching. She believes in true love, in heart stopping passion, that the kind of romance (lies?) she read about and dreamed about is still possible... and she believes she would rather die than go the rest of her life never knowing that kind of ecstasy (again).

Eckhart Tolle calls her the pain body. Iyanla Vanzant says these feelings are "just energy" that surface from time to time to teach me something. Elizabeth Lesser calls her my shadow self, the one I denied, ignored, buried, wished dead... but who stubbornly who refuses to lay down and die. Whatever she is, whatever her name, I'm certain of one thing: she is my broken me.

As I typed this entry, I had the thought: "Please just let me be"... and then I wondered - is that coming from her or me?

Ripped Off In Singapore

If I had known the guy trying to scam me on the banks of the Singapore River was going to be the highlight of my trip, I would've taken his picture. I gave him the time of day because I was lost, it was hot as Hades and my feet were killing me. I was wiped out and trying not to look it. (Do not take the warnings about the Singapore heat & dehydration lightly.)


So I'm sitting there drinking my drink and this Indian guy approaches me. He sits next to me on a bench on the river side of the Asian Civilisations Museum. He says he's a holy man and he shows me a picture of his guru in India. He was trim & wiry. He wore slacks and a long sleeve collar shirt and his hair was loose, falling nearly to his waist. I bet he usually kept his hair wound in a turban. But when the task at hand calls for mesmerizing American tourists so they fork over $20 Singapore dollars after he tells their fortune, he knows to use every weapon at his disposal.

Gifted with more than his fair share of charisma & physical beauty, and embarassingly sexy bedroom eyes, I thought  how the hell can anybody believe anything that comes out of this guys mouth? Those eyes have the power to make people long for an encounter, just not a spiritual one.

He spent nearly 10 minutes with me and I can't remember a thing he said, promised or predicted. I can't even remember if the smell of his sweat offended me. That's how I knew he was full of it. I'm a pretty mystical gal... yet he didn't hit on a single thing worth committing to long term memory. Maybe he was a newbie who hadn't acquired mastery in the ancient arts of spell casting & snake charming. Maybe he was thrown off his game because he hadn't managed to "score" with the older White guy he approached before he got to me. In the end, I thanked him for his time but didn't give him any money. Looking back, I kinda wish I did... at least he gave me something to write about. And he left a legacy he'll never know.

From that day forward, I will always remember Singapore as the place where I constantly felt I was being ripped off.

Naked... Peeling Onions

You know heartache? You know that clawing visceral anguish, that undiluted swell of raw pain that clogs your throat with concrete, makes you feel you could vomit an ocean, makes you want to peel off your entire outer layer of skin and run screaming as fast as you can to escape the next wave of suffering?

I know it best from my moody lovesick hormonal teen years and my broken depressed post-partum years... but after all this time, I was certain we'd parted ways.

Oy vey...

by clayirving

It's easier to retreat behind the wall, to let him believe the lie that I have it all together. Unfortunately, this time I had no choice but to stand naked before him with my ugliest, weakest self exposed. I have never been so acutely ashamed.

I'm a big girl. I put on a bold face as I uttered a truth I had entombed for years. I admitted that I was a categorical failure with my finances. At 39, I still don't plan, budget, or track my expenses and he was perfectly entitled to be angry over how I spend his money. I had my say. I was crying but I was proud. The conversation was evidence that I had evolved.

And he said... nothing. He didn't even look at me. Just nodded. So I stood up to leave. It was squashed. I had admitted the problem, promised to do better, vowed it wouldn't happen again.

Problem dealt with, right? Not so fast...

What followed was several days of completely distorted thinking. I was demented and I knew it. But I couldn't keep the emotions from bleeding out and contaminating every future forecast & memory.

He had seen the worst part of me... and had not responded with reassurance. He must revile me. And I was convinced what I had always feared was now on its way.

Now he knew I was a burden... I was not worthy... I was not enough... He would leave the first chance he could get... I was not safe.

I pulled a Marianne Williams title off my bookshelf & skimmed it desperately for something to remind me that I was worthy, to remind me what the loving response would be, something to invoke the Holy Spirit. I was in the clutches of a tenacious childlike fear. I needed his loving comfort and his forgiveness. Then I kicked myself for needing anything from him. Because if there's one thing my husband is NOT, it is tender. Indeed, that emotional hardness, that stern impenetrability is probably what drew me in the first place. I could crawl inside his emotional armor and be taken care of. The way daddy never did.

And then I asked myself: What if he was acting exactly the way he is supposed to so I can grow? 

In the next moments, the final traces of the emotional storm evaporated. Healing came on the wings of a question. I hope that 6 year old abandoned by her father who still lives inside me has been set free. But I'm wise enough to know this isn't the last time I'll find myself peeling back emotional layers to expose the naked fears hidden in my psyche.

Reality TV Hacks

The definition of hack (noun): one who produces banal and mediocre work in the hope of gaining commercial success...

I refuse to have a conversation about the Real Housewives series. I refuse to talk about them as if  they're real. As if I know them personally. As if I don't have a life.

I know when I watch that garbage on BRAVO that I'm watching garbage. When I finally kicked my "Real World" habit at 34, I really thought I was free.

Where in the world did they find such a group of shallow, self-absorbed bimbos? And why the hell can't I ignore it when even worse franchises (Basketball Wives) pop up starring an even more immature, narcissistic group of wannabe celebs?

If our 22nd century descendants want proof of when America went to hell in a handbasket, show 'em Basketball Wives.

My Next Vacation Destination Just May Be...

For some reason, I keep saying "Bangladesh" when I want to say "Bladensburg" (a city near my home). I'm just spooky/spiritual enough to believe this weird persistant freudian slip... means something.

I dreamed, read, watched travel shows about Asia for almost 2 years. All the while, I kept saying "I think I'm supposed to travel to Asia." Suddenly, (with zero effort on my part) an opportunity came and off to Asia I went.

Weird as this may seem, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering... should I be singing the song "Bangladesh, boy here I come..."